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———————————————————————————————————————– Obama to Nominate Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel for TSA Administrator The Obama Administration announced today that it intends to nominate Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel for Administrator of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

“You won’t find one f—ing person in this whole f—ing country who can twist Americans’ arms like me.And that will be one of my first actions as Administrator, to amend airport checkpoint screening to include actual arm twisting.Nothing says security like four TSA screeners body slamming you into the baggage conveyor belt as they grab your junk.” A reporter asked whether as Administrator Emanuel would implement the use of secret detainment facilities, like the warehouse on Chicago’s west side that was reportedly used by the Chicago Police to illegally hold and beat prisoners.Emanuel showed uncharacteristic restraint in his measured response.“The last f—ing person who asked me that f—ing question is shoveling f—ing penguin sh-t in f—ing Antarctica,” he screamed and hurled a chair across the room. You keep asking stupid questions like that, and I’ll have your editor demote you to writing f—ing obituaries.I have some ‘union’ friends who can help put you on obits forever. Mayor, my paper has asked repeatedly for a tour of this illegal detainment facility,” the reporter pressed, at which point Emanuel whispered something to his chief of staff, Lisa Schrader, who snapped her fingers and three of Chicago’s finest marched in and dragged the reporter away.

A “You know we can hear you,” said the reporter, studiously taking notes.At this point the Chief of Staff stepped in, announcing the end of the press conference.As the reporters were pushed out with cattle-prods, a reporter asked: “Do you have any words for the traveling public?” Emanuel smiled: “See you at the airport motherf—ers!” Back to the top ———————————————————————————————————————– House Homeland Security Committee Investigates Discrimination Against Men With Hair House Homeland Security Committee Chairman Michael Mc Caul (R-Big Hair, Texas) announced today that his committee will hold a hearing in the coming weeks to investigate claims that the White House personnel office was discriminating in its selection process to fill leadership vacancies at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS).Mc Caul claimed that there had been numerous complaints to his office that otherwise qualified men had been rejected in favor of those who were “folicly-challenged.” “One look at the men the White House has nominated over the past year shows that there is a pattern of discrimination here…

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